More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
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My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
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Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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