I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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