Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
