Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
