Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
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I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
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I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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