Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
