I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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