You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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