I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
