she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
my being single is dangerous.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
