2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
