nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
