I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
