Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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