somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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