I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
