I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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