I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
