i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Can I color on your dick again?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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