Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
