well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
