I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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