My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My balls are so social today.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
