Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
