Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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