i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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