omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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