I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
