i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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