fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
