i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
