My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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