What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
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