I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
