Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
