It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
