So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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