now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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