I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
