On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
