I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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