Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
