this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
