dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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