I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
