I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
