Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
