I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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