Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
