I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
