youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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