At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
