I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
did i walk over a car last night?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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