I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
